Category Archives: sports

How did this happen?

I routinely rise at approximatelty 7:54 on weekends and look forward to the below activities with the same enthusiasm that was reserved for getting blind drunk at every opportunity a few years back. The fact that one of the desired activities typically involves old, sweaty men conducting unnecessary stretching exercises and uninterrupted moaning is cause for concern. Actually, make that both activities… Who needs nightlife, when you can combine squash, a steam room and the Sundance Kabuki theatre ?

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Everybody has a price…and I come pretty cheap…

Dear Loyal Fan Base of Three –

I will now be posting a couple times a day on the beRecruited Sportswrap. I am sellout and easily bought so any blogs related to sports will now be posted on berecruited.com until they realize I am just a hack ripping off Bill Simmons. I could not resist the package of free Stouffer’s French Bread Pizzas and all you can eat Dinty Moore Stew they generously offered me. Now I know what it must be like to make partner at Goldman Sachs. Here is my first blog. I encourage you to visit the site regularly because the more traffic I garner, the meatier the stew.

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“There’s no such thing as bad Publicity…unless your name is Michael Vick…or Ron Mexico”

Undoubtedly, football is the most popular sport in America. Whether this is due to an attractive cocktail of speed, strategy and violence contained within the game or the undeniable influence of fantasy sports and gambling is another matter all together. For the record, I would attribute a good deal of the sport’s overwhelming popularity to the latter factors. Over the last few weeks, dozens of anxious males aged 18 – 40 have disclosed to me their breathless anticipation for the upcoming NFL season. This time of year provides the modern male a legitimate excuse to order delivery, gamble frivolously, and meld to the couch for 14 straight hours of TV watching heaven.

Wanna bet that Tim Donaghy is not doing much prep for his fantasy draft this year?

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Due to the doldrums of the summer sports season because of an over-reliance on baseball and waiting to see if David Beckham will dye his hair or wear it in a faux hawk; it’s no surprise that the Michael Vick “dogfighting” case has monopolized the headlines. (Sorry baseball purists, I’m not buying into the argument that the intrigue of a pennant race is a more compelling proposition than when college and pro basketball/football are in full swing). Name me one person who would rather listen to a drove of semi-literate, ex-players blather on about their fantasy picks (see Jerome Bettis/Tim Brown) instead of discussing the latest details of “Bad Newz” Kennel? (Do you think Walther Matthau was involved in any way?)

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“No me gusta el perro!”

In terms of athletes getting into trouble I can’t say Michael Vick is a complete surprise. First off, he is a professional football player which by my rough calculations gives him a 86,000 % higher chance of getting arrested than the average schmuck. Additionally, he shares the same DNA with Marcus Vick who felt compelled to brandish a gun at two teenagers outside a McDonald’s and make concerted run for the biggest bonehead athlete alive a couple of years ago. Of course, there was the incident when he was found in possession of a water bottle modified to smuggle weed past airline security. This is a multimillionaire we are talking about, and not some college stoner going back home for Thanksgiving break. Additionally, who can forget the “Ron Mexico” scandal which made the pseudonyms “Chest Rockwell” and “Brock Landers” seem amateurish in comparison? The “Ron Mexico” scandal deserves its own article on the impact it has had on pop culture. How many guys now use this as fantasy team name or IM moniker? Why do these same males giggle uncontrollably and give “pounds” whenever this saga is brought up?

Maybe Ron Mexico can actually throw to somebody besides Algee Crumpler in the red zone?

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However, the most compelling evidence why this occurrence was not a big surprise was the simple fact that Michael Vick is not the smartest tool in the shed. Everytime I see Vick interviewed he has that glazed over look in his eye I had in AP Calculus. However, this occurs when the southpaw QB is asked such intellectually taxing questions as, “Does your NFL rated no.1 rushing offense open up the opportunity for play action?” Thus, it should come as no surprise that the little alarm that rings in most of our heads when presented with a really bad idea, does not appear to make Vick blink. I think if an investigation was taken it would reveal that an intellectually enhanced clone took the Wunderlick test for him. We are talking stupidity approaching Tim Hardaway levels! What’s more befuddling is the fact that Falcon’s owner Arthur Blank stood by Vick for so long and put the entire fate of the franchise in this village idiot’s hands. This is self-made  man that managed to turn Home Depot into one of the most powerful corporations in the world while bearing an uncanny resemblance to the flamboyant “Hairspray” Director John Waters! Blank must have thought the Powerade commercials of Vick were real if he turned this blind an eye to his star QB’s glaring  flaws and consistent history of  terrible decision making. As a shareholder of Home Depot let’s hope he does not give his CFO this much bandwidth!? I would have loved to be a fly on the wall when Vick was pitched the idea on the dogfighting operation? Were powerpoint presentations and pro-formas utilized? Did he ask for a valuation of the kennel? Perhaps #7 considered the prospect of venture capital funding to mitigate his risk? Actually, he probably thought it was a safer bet than the other proposition which called for developing a enterprise based on the movie “Blow” starring Johnny Depp.

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Arthur Blank separated at birth form John Waters. Who has a better bumper/stache?

Given the most recent details of Vick’s participation in the slaughtering of the dogs, it seems likely he will take the plea agreement and be conspicuously absent from the gridiron for a minimum of two years. Based on the history of his decision making it’s anybody guess on what course of action Vick will ultimately take. He will probably attempt to fight the charges and blame it on Jim Mora’s version of the West Coast offense. There is no transgression that raises the ire of the American public like abusing and murdering man’s best friend. Thus, in the court of public opinion, Vick is pretty much approaching Orenthal James Simpson territory. When a good old-fashioned American scandal reaches a conclusion, a time eventually comes when the vultures of capitalism circle to make a quick buck off the gruesome details and back story (see O.J. Simpson’s “If I Did It”). In my humble opinion I think many details of the case are ripe for a low budget made for TV movie series a’ la “The Bronx is Burning” on ESPN or “the so bad it’s good appeal” of “Final Shot: The Hank Gathers Story” (As for “Bronx” …was the “Son of Sam” angle really necessary? Or is it the “Zodiac Kiler”. I always get my retro serial killers confused…)

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“The Hank Gathers Story: So Bad it made Bo Kimble’s pro career look good!” RIP Hank…

The following are some key characteristics “Michael Vick: The Rise and Fall of an athletic Village Idiot” already has going for it:

  • Co-Defendant nicknames are gold! (Quaniss Phillips, Purnell A. Peace and Tony Taylor) Not even Tony Montana had a crew of roughnecks like this!!
  • Vick will have to play himself because he will have no other career options. This will add legitimacy and really, really bad acting….a plus for any sports movie.
  • Home Depot can contribute all the materials to build the movie set for free
  • PETA will protest the TV series so vehemently it will result in tremendous buzz and ratings. Vick should wear chinchilla to the premiere and toss footballs soaked in red paint at him.
  • Due to Vick’s highlight reel type career the film can have an awesome 80’s style montage utilized effectively by sports movies such as Teen Wolf and Karate Kid. This one can be spiced up with some staged clips of Vick and his crew puffing blunts criscrossed with images of snarling pit bulls. DMX can supply the soundtrack since he seems the most likely of entertainers to have a kennel himself.
  • Marcus Vick can get arrested for assaulting the catering staff during filming to improve the streed cred of the film
  • Have John Tuturro play Arthur Blank. “Nobody messes with the Jesus…or a drunk Billy Martin”

I leave you with some Michael Vick highlights. Good luck making license plates in the clink. We hardly knew ya’…..

Superfluous Thoughts…

These are the 10 top things that ran I around my head while I  cooked Terriyaki chicken over a bed of rice tonight. I used Soy Vay To marinate. Got to love that product name. The following are not in any particular order.

10. I could probably watch the remaining 13 episodes of Heroes in one sitting on iTunes and enjoy every minute of it. Although I would terminate the storyline with Ali Larter. Her kid is annoying who I can only liken to a young Mario Lopez or a poor man’s version of Will Smith’s son in the “Pursuit of Happyness”.

9. I really hope Kobe Bryant gets traded to the Bull because a starting five of Deng, Odom, Gordon, Walton, and Brown will result in a better record. Additionally,  the Lakers could get a solid player with the #9 pick, perhaps even steal Corey Brewer, although he will probably be gone.

8. Am I that vain that I felt self-conscious driving my Chevy Cobalt rental around ritzy Newport Beach today? Sadly, yes. Did I also get a kick out of the fact that it was devoid of any power functions, thus I had to roll the window down at a drive thru today a total of 4 times, and that the back seat smelled like a combo of pine sol and dead rat. Yes, as well.

6. I wonder what caused Larry David and his wife to get divorced. If she really looked like his Curb wife, would they have gotten divorced? Probably not.

5. “Knocked Up” was a terrific movie but I still don’t want kids for at least 6-8 years. It completely restored my faith in Judd Apatow. I am now convinced he dumbed downed “A 40 year old virgin” to prove to the studio heads that he could make blockbuster comedies, so he could make this movie.

4. I think Microsoft will buy Yahoo! On another note, I am so old that barely any of my friends are on Facebook. If I could buy shares in Facebook right now, I think I would allocate over 80% of my portfolio to the site. This article puts forth an interesting potential MySpace-Yahoo collaboration. I love the Murdoch quote about Facebook; one sly Aussie, that and the fact that MySpace is now valued at over $10 billion. Pretty fair return for a $580 million acquisition.

3. Was Whitney right that my blog has not been funny lately? Definitely.

2. I weigh 188 lbs…holy crap, I am turning into one of the tubbiest Asians I know.

1. Did I spell superfluous right? I use that word too much and I’m not 100% sure I am using it correctly.

30 is the new 24…

2006 was the year of the wedding while it appears that 2007 is the year of the 30th birthday party. Below is a mediocre video I made of Sam Brown’s 30th birthday party aka “Sam Olympics” in San Diego. The editing is sloppy, transitions poor/nonexistent however, the music ain’t half bad, plus Garrett and Sara have some classic moments, and Sam’s outfits are nothing short of incredible. He should break them out in Austin at his MBA program later in the year. Also below is a link to Erik Eccles and Pat Holman’s 30th b-day party, which was a much healthier, well rounded, adult celebration. This is reflected in the better production quality of the video on the uber cool video sharing/editing site Jumpcut where Erik was the CFO before they were gobbled up by Yahoo. Most of my friends are using the 30th b-day party to harken back to the days when the nights were longer, the revelry much more intense, and the hangovers did not last a fortnight. Coincidentally, all these people went Boulder where the Peter Pan syndrome seems to be a constant. (not in a Michael Jackson type fashion fortunately) My 30th is coming up in a few months, and I am already getting the paxel, prozac and Coppola Chardonnay lined up for my usual b-day depression. Speaking of which a shout out/big up to Kathleen, Bluto, Jeff, Kaley, Gov, Mitch, Amanda, my mom, Andy, Navid, and anybody else I might have missed for my whining, feeling sorry for myself session I went through the past few days. (You guys are the best) It’s over and thanks for putting up with my “Kobe Bryant” moments. Also below in a Grizzly Bear video for their song “The Knife”.

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Erik’s 30th (sorry no embedding for jumpcut allowed)

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When Facebook and Alton Collide…or maybe not…

  • I was recently asked what I thought about the new Facebook Platform. Suffice it to say that my response was nowhere close to this tremendous analysis by Marc Andreessen. I guess that’s why he co-founded Netscape, and I know that Alton is the world’s greatest reality star athlete of all time. Listen to this renaissance man discuss it with the Sport’s Guy here. His breakdown of the exploitation of “man goods” on “The Inferno” should be Al Gore’s next pet project.

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Yankee Stadium

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There’s definitely a marked difference between east coast and west coast baseball. Yankee Stadium has an buzz to it that would make even a corpse pop and lock a’ la Weekend at Bernies II. I went with my girlfriend Kathleen and one my best friends from college Amanda aka “Panda”. We had box seats per mi madre and it was filled with memorabilia of Babe Ruth. The only disappointment was any refererence to John Goodman’s interpretation of the Amecian icon.. I guess the box we sat in is actually George Steinbrenner’s who was probably in Palm Beach rocking a crisp turtleneck and a good scotch, neat of course. Later we celebrated Kathleen’s birthday at Flora de Sol in Tribeca. Unbelievable tapas and mojitos in a dark, lively setting with live music. Props to my moms for hooking up the tics and Happy Mother’s Day! I still think the Yankees  need to get regulated by some sort of salary cap however, so some parity can be brought to baseball.