Live blogging the Oscars

Jeff, Kaley, Kathleen and I decided to share a few bottles of Chardonnay and do an Oscar’s viewing and betting session. 20 bucks a head, 80 dollar pot fool. Kathleen’s takes best costume with Elizabeth. I bet that Juno will be chasing some female tail at the after party and Wesley Snipes will sleep with women of Asian descent. He’s seated next to Spike Lee who is wearing a douchebag hat. I thought Wesley Snipes was going to jail?

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  • Like Derek rising from the ashes in Gauntlet 3, Mitsy enters the Oscar gathering and is placing his bets. He is in tow with Sarah and her dog Lily and brought Ghiradelli’s for everyone. Mitch is a renown gambler and he is a force to be reckoned with. Holy crap, here comes Bluto!
  • Bluto mentions how great the mic that comes out of the ground is and makes the night’s first racist commenting that Jennifer Hudson resembles a cast member of the “Bad Girls’ Club”
  • Kaley makes a great call in spotting Hal Hoolbrooks’s date as one of the “Designing Women.” It’s not the fat one who was starred with Gerald McRaney in “Major Dad”.
  • Is it just me or did Javier Bardem just call his mother a filthy whore in Spanish?
  • Things white people love: a little black girl singing her heart out for a room full of old white people…
  • Owen Wilson presents…how many people instantly think of his suicide attempt…must be awkward to be up there knowing everyone is thinking either of how you tried to kill yourself or that your nickname is the “Butterscotch Stallion”
  • Peter and the Wolf wins. I knew it! I’m back like Randolph and Mortymer in “Coming to America”!
  • Big category…could swing the contest. Rumor has it that Rubie Dee had a torrid affair with the Jesse Metcalfe and were shacked up at the Marmont for the last couple weeks.
  • Shocking!! Swinton in an upset. I think she resembles Ziggy Stardust…bluto kills it by mentioning that she looks like a stork. Jeff comments that she looks like she should have a number on her dress. It looks like something from the Urban prom.
  • Stewart kills it with his ode to Jack’s promiscuity…How much blow is Jack on right now?
  • 4 Chardonnay bottles deep! Kathleen, Jeff and I tied with 6 apiece.
  • Hannah Montana annoys everyone in the room.
  • Yet another performance from Enchanted. Who invited Malcolm Jamal Warner?
  • Freaks and Greek props. Seth Rogen up on stage and gives an award to a dude with ponytail who has a Barry Bonds/LT earring. He also looks like the guidance counsellor from Freak and Greeks. Both Jew presenters kill it, man those jews are funny…
  • Who would you rather have sex with Roseanne Barr circa the pilot of “Roseanne” are Kathy Bates, post menopause? The room is undecided.
  • Julie Christie is was the hottest thing alive back in the day, and ain’t too bad now!
  • Let’s hope Kaly wins best supporting actor…
  • Great promotion for the Nintendo Wii…everybody in the room oohs and aahhs at the size of the screen. No wonder America is the fattest country on Earth.
  • How much pipe has Colin Farrell laid in the fiscal year? The room averages about 75 as an estimation.
  • Who used more botox tonight Nicole Kidman or Renee Zellwegger? Aren’t pregnant women not supposed to use botox. Then again she did date Tom Cruise for a decade and goes out with that country singer who look like a cross between Ellen and Zac Effron.
  • I’m being accused of finding a magical website that supposedly tells you who is going to win best Short Documentary and animated short by Jeff. He is stumbling drunk and sounds even more like Dubya when he as blowing lines through the megaphone he used for cheerleading. Jeff and Kaley are in a Chardonnay fog right now and I would not be surprised if we are approaching a fortnight since Jeff bathed or changed his undershirt.
  • Crap…work starts in ten hours.
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One response to “Live blogging the Oscars

  1. bagger's carpet boy

    Jon Stewart is disappointing so far, no? Btw, what did you make of Francis Ford Coppola’s Youth Without Youth? It hasn’t gotten much play, but it’s a more engaging film than many of those being given awards tonight. Here’s an interesting discussion of the film.

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