Monthly Archives: August 2007

Everybody has a price…and I come pretty cheap…

Dear Loyal Fan Base of Three –

I will now be posting a couple times a day on the beRecruited Sportswrap. I am sellout and easily bought so any blogs related to sports will now be posted on berecruited.com until they realize I am just a hack ripping off Bill Simmons. I could not resist the package of free Stouffer’s French Bread Pizzas and all you can eat Dinty Moore Stew they generously offered me. Now I know what it must be like to make partner at Goldman Sachs. Here is my first blog. I encourage you to visit the site regularly because the more traffic I garner, the meatier the stew.

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“There’s no such thing as bad Publicity…unless your name is Michael Vick…or Ron Mexico”

Undoubtedly, football is the most popular sport in America. Whether this is due to an attractive cocktail of speed, strategy and violence contained within the game or the undeniable influence of fantasy sports and gambling is another matter all together. For the record, I would attribute a good deal of the sport’s overwhelming popularity to the latter factors. Over the last few weeks, dozens of anxious males aged 18 – 40 have disclosed to me their breathless anticipation for the upcoming NFL season. This time of year provides the modern male a legitimate excuse to order delivery, gamble frivolously, and meld to the couch for 14 straight hours of TV watching heaven.

Wanna bet that Tim Donaghy is not doing much prep for his fantasy draft this year?

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Due to the doldrums of the summer sports season because of an over-reliance on baseball and waiting to see if David Beckham will dye his hair or wear it in a faux hawk; it’s no surprise that the Michael Vick “dogfighting” case has monopolized the headlines. (Sorry baseball purists, I’m not buying into the argument that the intrigue of a pennant race is a more compelling proposition than when college and pro basketball/football are in full swing). Name me one person who would rather listen to a drove of semi-literate, ex-players blather on about their fantasy picks (see Jerome Bettis/Tim Brown) instead of discussing the latest details of “Bad Newz” Kennel? (Do you think Walther Matthau was involved in any way?)

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“No me gusta el perro!”

In terms of athletes getting into trouble I can’t say Michael Vick is a complete surprise. First off, he is a professional football player which by my rough calculations gives him a 86,000 % higher chance of getting arrested than the average schmuck. Additionally, he shares the same DNA with Marcus Vick who felt compelled to brandish a gun at two teenagers outside a McDonald’s and make concerted run for the biggest bonehead athlete alive a couple of years ago. Of course, there was the incident when he was found in possession of a water bottle modified to smuggle weed past airline security. This is a multimillionaire we are talking about, and not some college stoner going back home for Thanksgiving break. Additionally, who can forget the “Ron Mexico” scandal which made the pseudonyms “Chest Rockwell” and “Brock Landers” seem amateurish in comparison? The “Ron Mexico” scandal deserves its own article on the impact it has had on pop culture. How many guys now use this as fantasy team name or IM moniker? Why do these same males giggle uncontrollably and give “pounds” whenever this saga is brought up?

Maybe Ron Mexico can actually throw to somebody besides Algee Crumpler in the red zone?

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However, the most compelling evidence why this occurrence was not a big surprise was the simple fact that Michael Vick is not the smartest tool in the shed. Everytime I see Vick interviewed he has that glazed over look in his eye I had in AP Calculus. However, this occurs when the southpaw QB is asked such intellectually taxing questions as, “Does your NFL rated no.1 rushing offense open up the opportunity for play action?” Thus, it should come as no surprise that the little alarm that rings in most of our heads when presented with a really bad idea, does not appear to make Vick blink. I think if an investigation was taken it would reveal that an intellectually enhanced clone took the Wunderlick test for him. We are talking stupidity approaching Tim Hardaway levels! What’s more befuddling is the fact that Falcon’s owner Arthur Blank stood by Vick for so long and put the entire fate of the franchise in this village idiot’s hands. This is self-made  man that managed to turn Home Depot into one of the most powerful corporations in the world while bearing an uncanny resemblance to the flamboyant “Hairspray” Director John Waters! Blank must have thought the Powerade commercials of Vick were real if he turned this blind an eye to his star QB’s glaring  flaws and consistent history of  terrible decision making. As a shareholder of Home Depot let’s hope he does not give his CFO this much bandwidth!? I would have loved to be a fly on the wall when Vick was pitched the idea on the dogfighting operation? Were powerpoint presentations and pro-formas utilized? Did he ask for a valuation of the kennel? Perhaps #7 considered the prospect of venture capital funding to mitigate his risk? Actually, he probably thought it was a safer bet than the other proposition which called for developing a enterprise based on the movie “Blow” starring Johnny Depp.

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Arthur Blank separated at birth form John Waters. Who has a better bumper/stache?

Given the most recent details of Vick’s participation in the slaughtering of the dogs, it seems likely he will take the plea agreement and be conspicuously absent from the gridiron for a minimum of two years. Based on the history of his decision making it’s anybody guess on what course of action Vick will ultimately take. He will probably attempt to fight the charges and blame it on Jim Mora’s version of the West Coast offense. There is no transgression that raises the ire of the American public like abusing and murdering man’s best friend. Thus, in the court of public opinion, Vick is pretty much approaching Orenthal James Simpson territory. When a good old-fashioned American scandal reaches a conclusion, a time eventually comes when the vultures of capitalism circle to make a quick buck off the gruesome details and back story (see O.J. Simpson’s “If I Did It”). In my humble opinion I think many details of the case are ripe for a low budget made for TV movie series a’ la “The Bronx is Burning” on ESPN or “the so bad it’s good appeal” of “Final Shot: The Hank Gathers Story” (As for “Bronx” …was the “Son of Sam” angle really necessary? Or is it the “Zodiac Kiler”. I always get my retro serial killers confused…)

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“The Hank Gathers Story: So Bad it made Bo Kimble’s pro career look good!” RIP Hank…

The following are some key characteristics “Michael Vick: The Rise and Fall of an athletic Village Idiot” already has going for it:

  • Co-Defendant nicknames are gold! (Quaniss Phillips, Purnell A. Peace and Tony Taylor) Not even Tony Montana had a crew of roughnecks like this!!
  • Vick will have to play himself because he will have no other career options. This will add legitimacy and really, really bad acting….a plus for any sports movie.
  • Home Depot can contribute all the materials to build the movie set for free
  • PETA will protest the TV series so vehemently it will result in tremendous buzz and ratings. Vick should wear chinchilla to the premiere and toss footballs soaked in red paint at him.
  • Due to Vick’s highlight reel type career the film can have an awesome 80’s style montage utilized effectively by sports movies such as Teen Wolf and Karate Kid. This one can be spiced up with some staged clips of Vick and his crew puffing blunts criscrossed with images of snarling pit bulls. DMX can supply the soundtrack since he seems the most likely of entertainers to have a kennel himself.
  • Marcus Vick can get arrested for assaulting the catering staff during filming to improve the streed cred of the film
  • Have John Tuturro play Arthur Blank. “Nobody messes with the Jesus…or a drunk Billy Martin”

I leave you with some Michael Vick highlights. Good luck making license plates in the clink. We hardly knew ya’…..

Misanthropy Today

Andy Fox let me post on his blog today. Check it out here!

5 more years until I cry on your shoulder in a park

There’s this new study out in the UK that states that men get really depressed around 35 and then don’t snap out of it until they are approximately the age of Ted Knight when he starred in “Too Close for Comfort”. Also, it reveals such shocking medical disclosures that most men count their college years (18-24) as being the best years of their life. Shocking!! I only have a different buddy mention that to me about 3 times a day since we graduated college.

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According to this study things don’t look up until you have Jim J. Bullock living below you.

Anyway, by far the best thing about this article is the picture the Daily Mail used to portray a depressed man. I don’t who this actor is but man he is good! Getty Images needs to lock him down to an exclusive contract. I love the forlorn look he has on his face. I bet you he was feeding pigeons prior to this picture being snapped reminiscing about the time he walked in on his wife having relations with 2 members of the early 90s R&B trio “Guy”. I want to mainline some paxil in his body and get the poor guy a lap dance with a kraft of Jack Daniels. He’s probably being comforted by his sister in the picture…that makes it even more depressing….

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“Paxil is a hell of a drug”

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“It was the two guy on the ends”

Is it possible to belong to more social networks than have actual friends?

Facebook and the boy genius du jour, Mark Zuckerberg are prominently featured on the Newsweek cover this week. In the past several months Facebook has become the darling of the tech world due mostly to its “Applications” feature and Silicon Valley needing a new starlet after YouTube was acquired by Google. The most influential blog publications have gushed incessantly about Facebook and are following its every move like a TMZ paparazzi. It’s like a schoolgirl’s first crush with a bevy of enthusiastic proclamations such as “Look how cool it looks on my iphone!” or “They have a RSS Facebook newsfeed!”. That’s ultra cool according to Mike Arrington of TechCrunch who is beginning to remind me of James Spader’s character from Pretty in Pink, which I guess would make me” Ducky” since I don’t have any juice or popularity whatsoever. “Ultra cool” is a term I have not heard since my I wore “Hammer” pants and my main mode of transport was a pogo ball. Then again the Sith Lord of Silicon Valley does count the Pussycat Dolls, My Chemical Romance and the Black Eyed Peas as his favorite musical acts, so if the Hammer pants fit….

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Admittedly, I too have jumped on the bandwagon (probably after reading about all the hype in TechCrunch) and started to favor the site in lieu of the stoic LinkedIn for building my network and trolling for my dream gig. Late at night I have caught myself adding ridiculous applications that are of little consequence and fleeting amusement. Inner thought to myself: “I’m sure that XYZ company is going to love that I added the “Arrested Development Application!” Pathetic, yes I know. I do find it amusing that the royalty of the tech world have now latched onto a site that was beloved by millions of binge drinking college students for quite some time now. In fact, I recently noticed that my three sisters residing in the 3rd world of Trinidad & Tobago have been using Facebook religiously for the last several years. Maybe these Caribbean islanders should hold a conference filled with dudes in ill fitting khakis and blue shirts (this portion of joke stolen from Valleywag) who twitter about the fact there is a “hottie” at the Looksmart booth passing out schwag. That’s a shoutout to my friend Kaley Dobson who will indeed be manning the LookSmart booth at the Trekkie convention aka Search Engine Strategies in San Jose this weekend, and was actually in a movie called “Hotties”.

SEOs rejoice that there will be at least one good looking girl at SES this year and that they can Twitter from the Google Dance on their iphones.

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Yesterday, it was also revealed that Kickapps had received an additional$11 million dollars in funding in an effort to become the market leader in the increasingly competitive “white-label” social network world. I have fiddled around with both Kickapps and Ning and they are both pretty easy to use, especially for a non-programmer such as myself. One must wonder if a “long tail” of social networks is something that will hold any stickiness to its members. I mean do I really need need a social network for my kickball league or book club? I guess it works for companies who would like to add an SNS to their corporate websites but how much utility and benefit does it really bring? Only time will tell, I guess. After being in Big Sky, Montana for five days last week sans Internet access I found the best and most enjoyable social network is still the old school variety. The kind where I am surrounded by my best friends in the world and I can buy a round of drinks and talk some ish.


“You Give Blog A Bad Name…”

For some reason modern society has a fascination with pedophilia or at least the people who are afflicted with the disease. It’s easily the most offensive and inexcusable of crimes, unless you can moonwalk and take Webster as your date to the Grammy’s. The fact that this did not receive greater outrage at the time is ridiculous. I mean imagine if Justin Timberlake brought….hmm…I’m getting so old I don’t even know midget child stars anymore, but you get the point. Thanks to NBC Dateline’s “To Catch a Predator” however, we are all much better educated about the topic. For instance, whenever the shows comes up in casual conversation, it is inevitably followed by cries of gleeful disgust with the ubiquitous statement, “I love that show”, immediately followed by a bad impression of the show’s uber wasp host. Misanthropy Today had a funny post about this trend. I guess the segment’s success can be attributed to sort of a car wreck type phenomenon where viewers can revel in the deserved, utter humiliation of depressingly sad, pathetic individuals as they hit rock bottom.

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It was only a matter of time until this subject entered the blogosphere as Jack McClellan was arrested for lurking outside a UCLA day care center yesterday. The perv had received occasional press over the last few years this for his blog that openly displayed his lust for extremely young girls including pictures he took at playgrounds and other public venues. Due to the fact that he had never been caught acting on his intentions he had never been previously arrested. It’s a standard cliche that when child molesters and mass murderers are caught someone remarks that they did not appear to look the type. McClellan is the exception to the rule as he truly looks the part. One can easily imagine him spending countless hours in his parent’s basement researching sex tours in Thailand while listening to Slipknow and slurping down Big Gulps. Although, I must admit he is not as creepy as the dude with the khakis pulled up to his armpits who falsely claimed to kill Jon Benet Ramsey. That guy might possibly be the scariest thing in hagar slacks since Mr. Kozart, my algebra teacher in 9th grade. They should add the guy from “Silence of the Lambs” who put the lotion in the basket and get the band back together.

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This latest incident will undoubtedly lead to the traditional media blowing up the topic and a number of talking heads on Fox and CNN talking about the implicit danger of blogs and social networks. The irony is of course, is that if this ass clown had not posted maintained his blog as way to most likely purge his guilt; law enforcement would never have been privy to his nauseating yearnings and illicit desires. I guess I’m guilty of buying into the impending hype as well by posting a blog about it but something tells me that Bill O’Reilly’s and Nancy Grace’s respective staffs are allready whipping up a piece that will strike as much fear as a Karl Rove spin tactic. After all, the media is at somewhat of loss at the moment as Nicole Richie appears to be ingesting food and Lindsey Lohan will probably not have access to an 8 ball within the next 14 calendar days. Vegas currently has 2 to 1 odds that within 2 months one of the seven Law & Order series or 8 CSIs has a plot-line about an overweight, pasty blogger who uses web 2.0 technology to lure his unsuspecting prey. Come to think of it maybe David Caruso could play the perp as well based on this pic. Here’s hoping that McClellan ends up in the slammer and gets jumped by some Piru Bloods.

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